The Fairy's Tale
by whatsamatta
Summary: A crack tale, written in loving memory of fairy tales that crash and burn. Read at your own risk.


**Author's Note: This crack fairytale is all me, and I kinda feel in love with it. Hate it, love it, just read, review, and spread the word.**

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**Fairytale**

**Told in One Part Harmony**

Part One

Once there was a young girl, who was….average. People told her she was pretty, and she was, but not overly pretty. And people said she had the deepest green eyes, but she thought they were rather shallow. But, if there was one thing she held above all others, it was her ability to sing. But, she believed that she was ordinary.

Now, this young girl, her parents died, (what a shock) and she was left all their worldly possessions, including the little house in the woods they had lived in. And so it was that the young girl became a young woman, and, with no other humans around besides the other orphans who's parents had died and left them everything, including homes in the woods…….she had only the animals to keep her company.

One day, while she was walking home from a day of berry picking and hunting cute and fluffy baby animals, she came across a dying wolf. It was a very pretty wolf, well, except for the ribs showing and the foam at the mouth and blood shot red eyes…and the girl, having a very kind heart, casually walked over and began to pet the dying creature.

'What do you think you're doing?' the wolf looked up at her and said as friendly as possible.

'I'm petting you.' The girl replied, and kept on petting.

'Yes, well I can see that. But, can't you see I'm foaming at the mouth and I haven't eaten in days and all I see now is a giant piece of steak petting me?' the wolf was becoming only slightly agitated.

'Well, if you're soooo hungry, why don't you come with me; I'll feed you. I was just on my way home from hunting, and I have more than enough food.'

The wolf just nodded, smiled, and shakily stood up and followed the woman, plotting how he was going to kill her, then eat her, and see if he should save some for later.

As they approached the house, the woman unlocked the front door and let the wolf enter before her.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asked as she shut the door, locked both the lock on the handle and the deadbolt above it.

'It's nice…….now, where's the food?' the wolf began sniffing around as the woman smiled and began opening cupboards and putting away the barriers and the meat.

'Well, currently, I have yet to cook it. So…..I'll start getting it ready. Here, make yourself useful and get me a pot. That way, we can cook this meat.' She unloaded the bag of meat, and out on the counter fell Bambi, Thumper, and Flower. The wolf smiled, as he had only recently hunted their parents….successfully. He began sniffing around for the pots and pans, and pulled open a door. But what fell out were not pots and pans.

'Not that door!' the woman shouted and slammed the door shut. But it was too late. The wolf had already seen.

'Now, what is a nice young woman such as yourself doing with 300 pounds of cocaine and 82 different bongs?' the wolf grinned cunningly as the woman quickly pulled out a pot, and began skinning Bambi.

'None of your business.' She scoffed. The wolf smiled and thought to himself, _clever little girl, when I kill her, I shall have to remember that closet_

After the woman had finished skinning the three baby animals and began heating the water to boil them, she sat down to read a fairytale.

'What are you reading?' the wolf, who could not read, was staring at the spine of the book in wonder.

'It's the Grimm's version on _Little Red Riding Hood_. It's great.' After she said that, the wolf backed away slowly and began wandering around the house. He knew the story of that little she-witch in a red cloak all too well. It just so happened to be a true story. You see, he knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows this crow who is divorced to this guy who knew this one frog whose dentist knew this teacher who was fired for child abuse who knew the two wolves who were killed because of her.

He thought it best if he wasn't around while she read.

Once the water had boiled, and the food had been cooked, the two of them sat down to eat their meal of childhood fairytale heroes. The conversation they held went over a range of different topics, including how tender the meat was, how much money the dead parents left their daughter, and who the wolf worked for.

'Yes, I work for a prince, but hey, doesn't everyone now a days? Anyway, he sent me to look for the most pitiful woman I could find, and perhaps I may have found her.' The woman was taken aback. _How am I the most pitiful woman he found? What about Delila? She's the stupid one. At least I can care for myself._

'Me? How am I pitiful? Anyway, what does this Prince of yours want?'

'Well, first of all, you are financially pitiful. And second of all, the Prince is looking for a bride. Honestly, don't you read your fairytales?'

'And why should I marry him?'

'Because he's rich, and everyone wants a rich spouse. Besides, in case, for any reason, someone should find out about your stash, the cops can't arrest you.'

'And why can't they?'

'Because advice from boss to employee is always the same: don't take on a suspect who is rich and powerful.'

'And has this Prince been married before?'

'Yes, well, nearly. But before they could get married, she turned up dead. The prince then told us, uhhemm, I quote 'The whore wasn't worth my devotion, so I proposed to the angel.' What ever that means…..'

'Why did he kill her?'

'I never said he killed her.'

'You never said he didn't.'

'Well, anyway, he wanted me to find the most financially pitiful woman I could and kidnap her and take her back to his Kingdom with me; so, if you're done eating, we can just be on our way…..'

'Not so fast. No, I'm not done eating, and why would I want to go, besides the fact that he's rich?'

'Well…let me think……'

'Tick tock tick tock, your time is running out.'

'He's hot, or so all the women of the kingdom tell me.'

'Good enough for me. When can we leave?'

'Right now, if you promise to be good.'

'With all my black little heart.' She smiled and grabbed her cloak and Bambi's leg and the two left the home in the woods and began their journey towards the rich and hot Prince's Kingdom.

The wolf, who, naturally had been leading them the entire journey, had been silent, and the woman was getting irritated.

'So, how long have you been working for the Prince?' she was desperate for conversation.

'Ever since he had his witch turn me into a wolf.'

'Oh….wait, what?!'

'His witch. He has a witch, and he ordered her to turn me into a wolf so that he could control me.'

'Can she change you back?'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'Because I became so angry with her, I found her in a dark ally and ate her.'

'You ATE her?'

'Yup, jumped up and swallowed her whole.'

'Yeoch.'

'Yeah. I swore after that I'd never eat another human as long as I live, unless under certain situations.'

'Why? Did your other-formly self say it was too cruel?'

'No. You people taste degusting!' the woman became silent, and didn't utter another word until they reached the castle, at which point the wolf, now looking much better, bowed respectfully to the woman, and walked off, leaving her to fend for herself.

Shortly after he disappeared, the woman found herself surrounded by men and women of the court. They were poking and prodding her with fingers and staffs and walking sticks and such as that. She quickly slapped them away, but there were too many of them. They grabbed her and led her into a room, where the men left and the women disrobed the woman and forced her into a beautiful red dress, which she thought was the ugliest thing she had ever seen, and made her up. Moments later, the women shoved her into a vast room and quickly locked the door. Before she had time to think, a deep voice summoned her, saying: 'If it is you whom my servant hath collected, the Kingdom is domed.'

The woman looked up and saw, at there very end of the hall, a large throne where a man was sitting on it. He then stood up, and began to walk towards her…..

Fairytale

Part Two

'If it is you whom my servant hath collected, the Kingdom is doomed.'

The woman looked up and saw, at the very end of the hall, a large throne where a man was sitting on it. He then stood up, and began to walk towards her.

'And just who are you?' the woman snapped. The man seemed to always be in shadow, no matter where he was. It rather confused the woman.

'I am His Royal Highness, His Supreme Majesty, His Most High and-'

'King of long winded introductions. Tell me your name, oh master of over speaking.' The woman bowed her head and laughed as the man fumed.

'Tootsie Wootsie Loosie Foosie Dissie Wissie Can I Have A Kissie, Master of all you see here.' At this, the woman lost it. She fell on the floor, laughing with tears streaming down her face.

'Yes, I suppose it is rather funny.' She kept laughing.

'Ok, it's not that funny.' She kept laughing.

'SHUT UP YOU STUPID WOMAN! I SAID IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY!!' the woman jumped to her feet, and straightened out her dress.

'Just why do you need me…Master of all I see here?' the women was trying to keep a straight face, and she knew that if she said his name, she would lose all control.

'I need a bride to save my kingdom. You are such a bride.'

'Just what do you need a bride for to save your kingdom? Better yet, WHY you need a bride to save your kingdom?'

'Because I just do, alright. Now, stop asking so many questions, or I shall have to find another one.'

'So?'

'And have to kill you.'

'So when shall we have the wedding?'

'That's more like it. Now, you shall stay in your room until I call for you when there are dignitaries, guests and other such prominent figures in the castle. You are allowed to walk around in the gardens and in the court yard, but you must stay on the grounds. You will also have a curfew; you are not allowed to leave your room after seven o'clock at night. Any questions so far?'

'Yes, just one. Why so many rules?'

'Because rules help balance and order rein. Oh, we must continue these instructions later, for I have almost forgotten that there are some dignitaries coming over. You must retire to your room until I call you.'

The woman was about to protest, when she felt she lost all control of her feet. They guided her out the door, up a flight of stairs, down a flight of stairs, through some doors, up a flight of stairs, through another set of doors, down a flight of stairs, and through a set of doors she passed through earlier. In the end, she stopped in front of a door that was to the right of the big doors that lead into the throne room.

'What was the point of that?' the woman asked herself, but mostly her feet, as she pushed the door open slowly and cautiously walked in. Inside the door was a fairly plain room, much like the woman herself, light pinks and purples were the main colors of the room. There was a bed, a night stand, a mirror with faces on it (the mirror reminded her of the one her friend Snow White said the step mother had) and a dresser. Everything was ordinary in every possible way. And they didn't even break into song when she arrived.

'Good day, madam.' The woman jumped as something spoke to her. Something from inside the room, and she was the only one there. She turned slowly, and looked directly at the mirror, the one with the faces.

'I say again, good day, madam.' All the faces spoke in unison, all different voices, pitches, frequencies, all as one.

'Ahh!' the woman screamed and jumped back onto the bed, holding her feet.

'No reason to be frightened. We're only here to lighten. Your day was such a scare. My, you have such lovely hair.' The faces chanted. Suddenly, a white mask looking face appeared in the center of the mirror.

'Pay them no mind.' It said.

'Oh, God, another one. . .' The woman sighed and rolled her eyes.

'Excuse me, madam. But I am not a brainless face who can only speak in rhyme like those fools. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Magic Mirror Mirror on the Wall; but you may call me Mirror Mirror.' The mask did a bow type thing, and smiled. It had no eyes, only holes, and it had lips to form words, but they were loose. After a few moments of silence, Mirror Mirror spoke again.

'Dear, what is your name?'

'Oh, right. I forgot. My name is -' but before the woman could answer, the door flew open and the King with the really long name strut in.

'Hello my dear. I see you are getting to know your furniture. Come, there are people you should meet. Oh, but those shall not do. Here, let's try this.' And he snapped his fingers, and all of the sudden she was in new clothing. It was pretty, but it was very hot and uncomfortable.

'Now my dear, we shall go get married.' He took her hand and yanked her out of the room. It was the same situation as before, when she was going to her room, only now it was backwards. When they finally stopped, they were standing before two double doors.

'Through these doors, your future lies.' He smiled and they pushed the doors open.

As they were standing at the alter, well, kneeling actually, all the kingdom was there, including the wolf and Mirror Mirror.

'Do you, King Tootsie Wootsie Loosie Foosie Dissie Wissie Can I Have A Kissie, take this woman to be your wife?' at his name, there were giggles among the subjects. He just sent them a glare and they stopped.

'I do.'

'And do you…um, what is your name?' the woman opened her mouth, but before she could utter one syllable, the King covered her mouth.

'It matters not. She does.' The woman just looked at him angrily, and nodded her head.

'Good. I now pronounce you Man and Woman, Husband and Wife, King and Queen.' The two then stood up turned to the congregation and raised their arms.

The king thought his life would be much easier with a bride to do everything for him, but he was wrong. His life was more miserable now than ever before. All she did was whine and complain and bitch and moan about the castle and everything else. He eventually died at a young age from too much stress. After his death, the people were much happier because the Queen was a wonderful, compassionate Queen, and the people began to see that to kill the King when he was young was her plan all along. And what was the woman's name? Well, since she's been dead for many a year, you can learn. Her name was –

The End


End file.
